Loss
OK. So, today's blog is inspired by a soap opera. So what? They dramatize life, but they start from a point of real life. So, Kendall Hart Slater lost her husband last week on All My Children. What she is going through right now is so real I find myself yelling at the screen through tears.
Here's the thing. Without being insensitive to others' grief, losing a spouse is unique. You can "get over" losing friends, grandparents, even parents. Losing a spouse affects you in such a profound way you can feel it in your skin and teeth....forever.
When it happens you just want to be alone. The sound of your loved ones' voices, their comforting touch, the help and support they provide.......though you appreciate it, it all stings. The problem is that in those times you want to be alone. After that you really are. You reach out to people.....you "move one" with your life. All of it feels like a story, like someone else's life. You are still, truly, alone.
It takes a while to focus in on certain things and gain perspective. What I have learned in perspective is that the soldier I have thought I was is made of glass. I am not strong. I have been on a downward spiral for years. With all the intuition I posess for others, I cannot see myself in the mirror.
I have learned that before and after my husband, I am a person that has always lived with someone depending on me. I have no children. My parents lead a wonderful life a continent away. The siblings I helped my parents raise now counsel me. My 3 boyfriends since my husband don't want my help. Only my cat depends on me, and she doesn't need much.
The question for me now, after 3 yrs of attempted recovery, is how the hell do I change what I've been my whole life? Someone has always depended on me....now no one does. Don't know yet what to do with that....still searching.
Here's the thing. Without being insensitive to others' grief, losing a spouse is unique. You can "get over" losing friends, grandparents, even parents. Losing a spouse affects you in such a profound way you can feel it in your skin and teeth....forever.
When it happens you just want to be alone. The sound of your loved ones' voices, their comforting touch, the help and support they provide.......though you appreciate it, it all stings. The problem is that in those times you want to be alone. After that you really are. You reach out to people.....you "move one" with your life. All of it feels like a story, like someone else's life. You are still, truly, alone.
It takes a while to focus in on certain things and gain perspective. What I have learned in perspective is that the soldier I have thought I was is made of glass. I am not strong. I have been on a downward spiral for years. With all the intuition I posess for others, I cannot see myself in the mirror.
I have learned that before and after my husband, I am a person that has always lived with someone depending on me. I have no children. My parents lead a wonderful life a continent away. The siblings I helped my parents raise now counsel me. My 3 boyfriends since my husband don't want my help. Only my cat depends on me, and she doesn't need much.
The question for me now, after 3 yrs of attempted recovery, is how the hell do I change what I've been my whole life? Someone has always depended on me....now no one does. Don't know yet what to do with that....still searching.
It's hard , and sometimes feels like its never going to get easier. But it sounds like you have good family and that's import.
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